Creating something each time I feel regret (of anything; missing opportunities etc)

Today, someone approached me offering a role as a research assistant for an art project. I felt a deep grave ambivalence; a sense I know all too well. Oh how I dreamt up this experience for myself. Yet when this opportunity is given to me, I reject it. This is not the right time, I will admit it here because it is something I refuse to admit even to myself. It is the wrong time. Just last week I already had a mental breakdown over my thesis and all the things I should be doing but was unable to do. I would admit that my mental health at the moment is built on a string of glass. I am not okay. 

The consequences of having my life feel disordered because of the responsibilities --- which I admit is not much --- that I am able to juggle on my plate is suicidal ideation. I came to the realisation in the train that I tend to trap myself in iron cages of desire. For everything that I do, I leave it behind me like a box of pins and needles. For in each world, I have put myself in a predicament where I am trapped between the pleasure of accomplishing it but also the terror of the failure of not delivering to its promises. I am always consumed by desire that my body cannot take it and I have the tendency to bite off more than I can chew. But then I am never happy with who I am or what I have. I always want more, mentally striving for things and feelings and there is always more that I can do. 

I think the fear is not exactly being unable to deliver but it is the fear of facing my own dread and overthinking; the Thursday nights that creep up on me, with all the bad bad thoughts of unfinished tasks, thoughts of inadequacy of not being fast enough and not being able to do more in less, the feeling like my life has become dysregulated, desperate and asking my sister for confirmation that it is not worth to take my own life and that people here need me.  

I wish I was a different person. In these moments I really do and I know what this kind of wishful thinking would do to me; bury me deeper into a cage of self-contempt that I built for myself. It is all a mind game, a mind game that we should all conquer they say. Get over it and you will do so much more. Analyse your emotions and conquer it, stomp it out. Every thought is a trap for me. But I shouldn't be thinking it as a trap, one must see beyond it. Do more, think more, analyse more, stop thinking so much (stop thinking more), pray more, meditate more, feel less more, more more more more.

What happens if I say no? This shall be my new experiment. Say no and realise that I am still as bright a person with worth to live and that it does not take away from the fact that I am a go-getter that I am curious and that I do want to taste many things. I feel like I am built like a fucking brick. 

Anyways some ideas if they sound familiar come from these videos:
1. https://youtu.be/UwxOKap9NTM?si=ZJBHDYTk0gcdeNZn

2. https://youtu.be/fJnIQmBj2M0?si=4ROu2RxF953WZW1G